Before you celebrate the 4th of July, there are a few things you’ll need to get in order. Take notes if you want to learn how optimize the 241st celebration of ‘Merica.
1. Hot Dogs
An American Hero
If Joey Chestnut can beat Hakero Kobeyashi by eating 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes while on his way to his 6th consecutive Mustard Belt, then you can darn well take the time to show some respect and do some grillin’ and chillin’.
In fact, after eating 68 weiners, Chestnut said, “I will not stop until I reach 70. This 'sport' isn't about eating. It's about drive and dedication, and at the end of the day hot dog eating challenges both my body and my mind.” FACT
This is where you store the hot dogs so they don’t go bad.
For optimal results, from the bottom of the cooler up, place a thin base layer of ice, then a layer of beers, layer of ice, layer of beers, layer of ice, and dogs on top.
This is because it is necessary to get the dogs out first to get to grilling. Then you can crack a cold one while you’re grilling and be pleasantly surprised when you find sneaky beers hidden at the bottom of the cooler.
George Washington fearlessly bearing full thigh.
Setting off fireworks is us mortals way of applauding a smiling George Washington in heaven. He looks down upon the USA with favor and it is necessary to sing praise to him on this glorious day.
For without George, the Delaware river would never have been crossed, and if the Delaware river had never been crossed then we would have lost the Battle of Trenton. And if we lost the Battle of Trenton, we would have lost the war and to this day would be eating disgusting British food like fish and chips and not glorious American food like dogs and buns.
Don't just wave the flag, wear it.
Your outfit is your primary way of showing patriotism on the 4th. There are a number of options to wear up top: short sleeve button downs (SSBD’s), striped tanks, shirts with president’s faces on them, or just a paint on American flag. But there is only one option to wear downstairs: shorts.
Have you ever seen somebody wear pants on the 4th of July?…Nope. You need the mobility only shorts can offer for tossing the pig skin, flipping dogs, and running away from the fireworks you thought would be cool to light upside down.